Monday, October 16, 2006

family

Every monday after Bio labs, i wait out in the student lot for at least an hour, waiting for my parents. Even if i call at 5pm for them to come, they always end up coming at 7. I always look at all those people out there, with such a good family, so happy and then i think to myself.. what's wrong with me? How come i can't be like those girls that have their dads as their backs and when something's bothering them, they can turn to their family first. Why is it that as time progresses, nothing improves, instead, i feel more and more isolated by my family? Sometimes i think to myself, am i even born into this family? Do i step into the right house afterschool? How come i'm so different than the rest of them??

There are so many things that bother me each day, but people ask me, why do i always smile, why does it always seem like i'm happy. Maybe because at home, it's hell for, but nobody knows. Everyone looks at me from the outside, at school, out whatevers.. they never see me at home. You wouldn't call it home if you were me. Many people would just assume that it's not that bad, oh, believe it's pretty bad. So then i ask myself, how come i'm not emo? like some people. I don't know. i don't want to be emo, but sometimes i think i feel worst.

Today, on the ride back home from night labs, i sat out on the lot waiting. just waiting. I'm always the last one, the sprinklers turn on, they turn off and then after probably for another 20 minutes, then my ride comes. I even know the routine. Get out, sit there until 7pm, sit out on the crosswalk because the water runs down. Every week i complain, but for some reason this week was different. I got into the car with my mouth shut. i don't even want to talk anymore. there's nothing to complain about anymore. everything's the same every week, every day. there's nothing i can do, even if i try. so i just sit there. quiet.

When i come inside the car, my dad does not acknowledge. I havent told anyone this, maybe only God knows, but i hate my dad. i strongly despise him. Everytime i look at him i want to cry. It hurts so much because i have to put up with him everyday. And even now, just thinking about him makes me tear up. I'm wrong, he's not my dad. i dont have a dad. He's someone i live with in a house. The whole car ride, he never talks to me. Instead right when i get into the car he phones one of his friends and talk to him the whole car ride back home. Inside, i'm crying and outside, i brush away some tears. He never asks what's wrong, all he cares about is money, his house, and his life. I was never part of his life. In fact he probably hates me too, cause i was the biggest mistake of his life. I waste his money everyday for staying up late at night trying to finish my homework. I get home, he hangs up. He never once spoke to me in the car. Never. Everytime i try talking to him, we end up arguing. He loves to pick fights with me. It's what God does to punish me.


I miss my my mom.
We use to be the best of friends..

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